I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
