I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
