textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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