The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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