When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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