Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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