How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
