My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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