When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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