I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
