I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
