Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
