At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
