I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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