Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Randomize
