I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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