ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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