I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
