If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
