my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
handjob tips. give me some.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
