walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I FOUND THE LEGS
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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