I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
