Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
