How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
