my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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