I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
