shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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