Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
