Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
