Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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