I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
