Got a toothbrush?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
