I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
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