i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
