I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
