i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize