I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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