Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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