so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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