Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
