i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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