i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
