she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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