i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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