i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
