Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
