Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize