I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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