sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
