I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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