I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
