I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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