apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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