he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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