rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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