You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
