i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the day after is always just damage control
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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