the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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