This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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