Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
