picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
