Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
