Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize